Chapter One (December 26, 1968) (Draft)

Thursday, December 26, 1968

(Hollywood)

Stoney’s gone to San Francisco, left 45 minutes ago, to score some acid. We decided it would be best if I stayed behind–save money to buy a van.

It’s so cold in here, no heat, no one to keep me warm. I wish I could have gone with Stoney. He says he’ll leave Frisco right after scoring, by tomorrow evening at the latest.

I can’t wait.

I’m so alone right now; no one’s around anymore. Pam went back to Arizona for the holidays, and Jeff split weeks ago.

I can’t believe Big Brother would just up and leave like he did, without even a goodbye kiss on the cheek. I don’t understand why going to Pennsylvania was so important. He talked about it, but I never thought he’d actually do it.

Now that Stoney’s away, I’ve been thinking a lot about Big Brother.

Jeff Brown. He’s a puzzle.

If Jeff were here, I’d find him and invite him over. We’d sit up all night and rap about music, movies, and books. He’s really bright, but sometimes he talks over my head, with all that philosophy stuff. He should go to college, do something important with his life, not bum around like Stoney and me. He could go to college at USC or UCLA and still be a part-time hippie.

I wrote him a letter, begging him to come back.

What does Pennsylvania have that California doesn’t?

I have no desire to go back to Sioux City or see any of my relatives–I’d rather stay here by myself.

This apartment is strange, bright blue paint, hardly any furniture. A smelly, dirty dump. The first day here, when I was cleaning up, I turned on the tap, and whoosh! A pipe was missing. Water, water, everywhere. What a mess. The good news; we’re only going to stay here about another month. I really didn’t want to move out of the dorm until after Christmas, but we had no choice. Miss Miller said Pam and I had to get out by the first of the year, but we decided to split by December 1; we were getting hassled by Horton and Miller because they hated our friends, didn’t like Stoney or Jeff smoking in the sitting room (la, de, da). And Stoney needed to get out of Metamorphosis–the owner was getting paranoid about Stoney’s stash. So Pam, Stoney, and I pooled our money together for this place, though Pam stayed back at the Dorm.

I’m still trying to figure out why she kicked in if she’s not going to live here.

I could use something good to eat right now; I’m getting tired of cereal, oranges, and cookies. The other day my stepfather happened by Wallich’s and hailed me over. I think he’s spying on me, but I bummed a meal off him. Couldn’t eat it all, so I took part of it back for Stoney.

Now I’m flat broke, no job; I quit two weeks ago–well, I just stopped going. I think the bank has figured out I’m not coming back.

I wrote a bad check last week, but I had no choice–Percy, a friend, needed help–though he turned out not be such a good friend, but a ripoff artist and bullshitter–says he has sex with rich and famous queers for money and needed a loan to get a dose for the clap. Said he got it from Liberace.

Gross.

Percy spent the money, my money, on new boots and a cowboy hat.

He did buy me breakfast, though.

Far fucking out.

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